Disappointment

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Just Like God

April 11, 2010 | 7 comments

I know what it feels like to be God.

Does that sound boastful? Or heretical? It’s not meant to be either of those. If anything, it’s meant to be sympathetic. Because, as the parent of a four-year-old boy, I think I’ve begun to get an inkling of what God experiences every day.

Consider these points and see if I’m not right and if you can’t relate:

The God Voice – there are times with Squirts when this voice comes from my body that I never knew existed. It’s of a tone, volume and quality that I’ve never once used with another person in my life. It’s like I’m channeling movie announcer Don LaFontaine from the other side. It comes out in warning when he runs too close to the edge of the street. It reveals itself in fear for the split second I lose sight of him in a crowded park. It’s unleashed in anger when he’s plucked the very last of my nerves.

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Aarghs, Ughs and Oofs of Disappointment

March 21, 2010 | 2 comments

“I want” seems to be the evil superpower of the four-year-old set. And Squirts has mastered the ability to wield this ability with uncanny precision and skill. He can throw that phrase like the Green Goblin lobs Pumpkin Bombs.

But have no fear, his mother and I have also mastered the only force that can defeat this wicked superpower—the power of “No!” We play Spiderman to his Green Goblin taking down his bombs with shots from our sticky spider web.

Squirts throws an “I want to stay up later!” We elude the explosion with a “No, you want to be rested for soccer tomorrow.”

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Smooth.

March 14, 2010 | 5 comments

Squirts tends to the nosy side, which I freely admit he inherited from my side of the family. What he hasn’t inherited is the subtlety to be nosy on the down low. His nosiness consists of full-on staring. You know, the turn-in-your-seat-and-ogle-at-the-lady-with-“funny eyes” kind of stare.

So, it’s boys night out while mommy is at choir practice and we’re waiting to order at our favorite taco place. After busting him several times for openly gawking at other people, I launch into a fatherly lecture about the dangers of staring.

At four years old, Squirts may be a little young to teach stealth techniques for eavesdropping and people watching. So, a few scare tactics seems more appropriate:

  • If you stare too hard, you could actually burn a hole in their skin.
  • Your eyes could stick like that.
  • If they catch you staring, they have the right to take you home with them. Forever.

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Becoming the Incredible Hulk

February 28, 2010 | 2 comments

Watching television with Squirts is never boring—not that the programs he chooses aren’t boring or repetitive or mind-numbing. But Squirts has a way of spicing it up by becoming a part of anything he watches on TV. Shortly after the show begins, he picks a character with whom he identifies—and then becomes.

“Mommy,” he says, “I’m Diego. And you’re that girl. Daddy, you’re Baby Jaguar.” Or, “Daddy, I’m The Incredible Hulk. You’re that guy with knives that come out of his hands.”

I’m not always the strange animal character, but it’s not unusual. In fact, lately, he’s been hogging all of the good characters. “Daddy, I’m Shaggy, Freddy and Scooby. Uh, you’re that ghost.”

As he watches the show, he becomes the character he has chosen. He even talks in first-person throughout his ongoing commentary of the program. It was a little startling at first when he said, “Daddy, you look like you want to hit me,” or when he asked, “Why are my feet so big?”

It took a couple of flustered promises that I had no desire to hit him before I realized he was talking about “my” character looking angry. And I’m not sure I was really any help when I assured him that, yes, he does have large feet, but I’m sure other kids wouldn’t notice.

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